It's a scary time to be...
After watching this video (different than the one embedded) I wanted to share my response and experiences before this whole "It's a scary time to be a man" statement is whisped away into yesteryears' news and we slip into the Atwoodian world of the patriarchy...
Note: These are not necessarily in order of time.
Ass grab #1: I was walking through a bar looking for friends when a hand came out of nowhere and pinched my ass, but no face appeared, even when I shouted, "what the fuck! Who did that? Show me your face so my boyfriend can come over here and kick your ass!"
Ass grab #2: Walking down the street I lived on for 7 years, a man rode up behind me on a bike and not only pinched my ass but stuck his fingers between my cheeks and rode off. I ran after him to the corner shouting that the man on that bike just assaulted me. Everyone just looked at me like I was crazy. I got no look at a face and the area was residential so there were no cameras to catch it. I felt like kicking over every bike I saw for a year after that and tensed every time a bike rode past me for... well... until now. I walked back home crying. I didn't even complete my errand.
Boob grab #1: Also a guy on a bike! It was the night before I was headed to a conference in Michigan and I was headed to the mailbox on the corner to mail my bill payments. A man on a bike who I could see come at me, outstretched his hand like he was going to give me something. I was confused and before I knew it, he then reached for my right breast and squeezed. Again, I screamed, there was a woman ahead that I wanted to warn and did when I screamed, "that man just groped me, watch out!" She started flailing her arms in a windmill motion and successfully avoided being groped. This was the point at which, after having recently had conversations with friends about similar things happening to them, I decided to make it public and went onto a posting forum and got hundreds of replies from people saying that they had similar experiences but yeah, also hadn't reported them. It went viral (click here), we had a rally.
Unwanted ass grab #1 by someone I know: I was sort of seeing this guy but we had only kissed a couple of times. We were walking around in public when I went ahead to throw something out and he reached for my ass and squeezed it in the middle of a crowded subway station like it was a melon that he was checking for ripeness, firm and intentioned. I told him not to do that, I didn't like it, and I didn't invite him to. He tried to validate his actions by saying that there was no reason why he shouldn't, seeing as we had kissed and he was taking me out and all. I explained to him the reasons above and his argument was, "yeah, but I'm not a stranger to you. You know me and we've totally made-out so it's fine!"
Unwanted advance #1: I was out one night with my roommate who had recently broken up with her boyfriend and was looking for a good one night stand to get him out of her head, so I was out to be her wingwoman. She met a cute guy and they started talking. She went to the bathroom and he started talking to me and asking about if a 3-way was possible and I said, "HA! yeah... sure", in my sarcastic way but I didn't want to tell my roommate about this piggish statement because after all, it's not like she was looking to date him. So, I went home once it looked like all systems were ago and not too long after, I heard the apartment door open and them stumble into her bedroom. Once that door closed, I went into the bathroom to ready myself for bed when there was a knock on the door. When I opened it, the guy my roommate brought home walked in towards me, hands outstretched almost zombielike towards my breasts and tried to kiss me. I kneed him in the groin, ran past him into my room and locked the door. He left and I went to my roommate's room to see what had happened and it turned out that she had changed her mind so he was looking for action wherever and however he could get it.
Unwanted advance by someone I know #1: A coworker. I was a new reporter at a local paper and the entire staff attended an overnight conference. We had been getting along nicely, we had a friendly coworking relationship in which we would bounce ideas off each other, talk about life and go get coffee together. I had never had real coworkers before or adult friends, but it seemed normal and friendly to me and he was significantly older than I was, so I saw it as more of a mentorship than anything. At this conference, after everyone had been drinking, he came knocking on my door and confessed that he had romantic feelings for me, which I told him were inappropriate and which I did not share. He then leaned in to kiss me and I ran back into the hotel room and locked the door. I told HR and they said that they had received reports like that before. They moved my desk away from his.
Unwanted advance by someone I know #2: I had a really fun group of coworkers and one night we were out dancing and I had on a pencil skirt that went just past my knees. At some point, while Latin dancing with my male coworker, most likely bachata, I felt his hand slip under my skirt between my legs and pull it up so that he could press his body closer to mine while we were dancing. I was taken back and became Raggedy Ann waltzing around with a four-year-old with seemingly no free will or thought for the rest of the song in his grip and then excused myself. The next day I messaged him and explained how pissed I was and how I could ruin him for it. He was so embarrassed. Should I have told my principal? Should I have gone to the union or to DOE HR? It would likely be a whole investigation for something I felt like I could deal with myself by explaining how if he ever tried that again, I would castrate him.
Unwanted advance by someone I know #3: A colleague. This man was not a co-worker but was and actually is known in the community where I worked for helping urban youth and, more specifically, males, become more capable of expressing themselves instead of turning to crime; Ironic, I know. It was this man's birthday and we were out celebrating at the bar for happy hour. We had been talking about different ways of engaging young black males and he opened up to me about his own angsty youth. I then went to talk to some other friends for a time before he called me back over. He turned to a friend (who is actually MY friend, too), and said, "yo, watch this!" he put his arm around my shoulders like we were posing for a picture and he reached down and squeezed my breast. I pulled away and pushed him. I shouted as I do, and our mutual male friend was in complete disbelief saying, "yo man, that's not cool". Again, this man was very intoxicated but someone I knew and someone who was known to have had a good impact on troubled youth. I should have called the cops, right? Given a report? Ruined his career? Taken a male figure away from males in need of role models? After all, role models are only those that do no wrong, right? I messaged him the next day, he had no recollection of it. I told him the same thing I had told my coworker with the addition that he was married and that I could tell his wife that he was a pervert.
Now, let's bring it back, because that's where this whole reporting thing comes in for me and why I believe there is such a disparity between 0 male hands going up and every female hand going up. I think way more men have been called out in ways similar to that which I have presented above, but because they weren't accused in a legal way, they don't believe they fit the statement because the statement is such a seemingly final judgment, like, "you ARE a sexual predator and a bad man, goodbye!" As I said, there are experiences I've relayed above with people I'm still friends with and trust with a number of things. Will I go dancing with the one ex-coworker again, nope. Would I ever be caught alone with the youth community leader-- not even in an elevator (true awkward story). But, do I think they are bad people? No, I do not, because I don't believe in things being so black and white. I believe that everyone has the capacity to do bad things and, thank the Lord, the great majority of the time, do a pretty good job of NOT doing those bad, horrible, criminal things at all. I believe in change and growth and learning (I guess I couldn't be a teacher if I didn't?). I think what everyone needs to do a better job with is reflecting on those moments, owning up to them and not allowing our impulses to get the best of us a second time. All that Kavanaugh stuff, I get the whole Ford perspective on why she didn't come forward sooner, clearly. But if Kavanaugh was really a good judge, he would have been able to reflect on that time, who he was then, even if he doesn't remember it happening, and own up to the possibility that he was a different person but has grown since then, at least to a point to be worthy of nomination. Maybe then it wouldn't feel like such a slap in the face.
Also, in the vein of self-reflection, I will be forthright with saying I myself am guilty of the ass grab, but only with friends whom will attest to it being a consensual act of love. But also, just because my friends slap my ass or rather we slap each other's asses, doesn't give OTHERS the right to. It's an understanding and a privilege you don't just get because you think you deserve it or because you like the way it looks.
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Addendum: This episode of Radiolab is so timely and really helps to shed some light on the anatomy of NO in sexual situations when a woman says no but men hear or feel it as something other than a solid, final NO. CLICK HERE if you have a bit of time to listen.
I'll start off by addressing the point in the video when Noah talks to the audience saying that he bets that if he asked the men to raise their hand if they had ever been accused of sexual assault nobody would raise their hands and that if he asked the women how many of them have experienced some sort of sexual assault, nearly every hand would go up. This truth has been on my mind since watching season 2 of 13 Reasons Why on Netflix. While there are many things to be said about that show, the thing that has stuck with me most is the episode in which the women tell their stories (embedded) and the message is that things that aren't rape are still sexual assault, and can leave a lasting mark. In nearly all of the stories, no doubt ripped from real cases and experiences, the victim knew the perpetrator, which certainly makes a huge difference in reporting at the time of the incident. So, without further adieu, here are my collection of unwanted experiences over the past 15 years or so and yes, they include experiences with people that I'm friends with to this day and have relationships with beyond that moment, whom I hope do read this.
Note: These are not necessarily in order of time.
Ass grab #1: I was walking through a bar looking for friends when a hand came out of nowhere and pinched my ass, but no face appeared, even when I shouted, "what the fuck! Who did that? Show me your face so my boyfriend can come over here and kick your ass!"
Ass grab #2: Walking down the street I lived on for 7 years, a man rode up behind me on a bike and not only pinched my ass but stuck his fingers between my cheeks and rode off. I ran after him to the corner shouting that the man on that bike just assaulted me. Everyone just looked at me like I was crazy. I got no look at a face and the area was residential so there were no cameras to catch it. I felt like kicking over every bike I saw for a year after that and tensed every time a bike rode past me for... well... until now. I walked back home crying. I didn't even complete my errand.
Boob grab #1: Also a guy on a bike! It was the night before I was headed to a conference in Michigan and I was headed to the mailbox on the corner to mail my bill payments. A man on a bike who I could see come at me, outstretched his hand like he was going to give me something. I was confused and before I knew it, he then reached for my right breast and squeezed. Again, I screamed, there was a woman ahead that I wanted to warn and did when I screamed, "that man just groped me, watch out!" She started flailing her arms in a windmill motion and successfully avoided being groped. This was the point at which, after having recently had conversations with friends about similar things happening to them, I decided to make it public and went onto a posting forum and got hundreds of replies from people saying that they had similar experiences but yeah, also hadn't reported them. It went viral (click here), we had a rally.
Unwanted ass grab #1 by someone I know: I was sort of seeing this guy but we had only kissed a couple of times. We were walking around in public when I went ahead to throw something out and he reached for my ass and squeezed it in the middle of a crowded subway station like it was a melon that he was checking for ripeness, firm and intentioned. I told him not to do that, I didn't like it, and I didn't invite him to. He tried to validate his actions by saying that there was no reason why he shouldn't, seeing as we had kissed and he was taking me out and all. I explained to him the reasons above and his argument was, "yeah, but I'm not a stranger to you. You know me and we've totally made-out so it's fine!"
Unwanted advance #1: I was out one night with my roommate who had recently broken up with her boyfriend and was looking for a good one night stand to get him out of her head, so I was out to be her wingwoman. She met a cute guy and they started talking. She went to the bathroom and he started talking to me and asking about if a 3-way was possible and I said, "HA! yeah... sure", in my sarcastic way but I didn't want to tell my roommate about this piggish statement because after all, it's not like she was looking to date him. So, I went home once it looked like all systems were ago and not too long after, I heard the apartment door open and them stumble into her bedroom. Once that door closed, I went into the bathroom to ready myself for bed when there was a knock on the door. When I opened it, the guy my roommate brought home walked in towards me, hands outstretched almost zombielike towards my breasts and tried to kiss me. I kneed him in the groin, ran past him into my room and locked the door. He left and I went to my roommate's room to see what had happened and it turned out that she had changed her mind so he was looking for action wherever and however he could get it.
Unwanted advance by someone I know #1: A coworker. I was a new reporter at a local paper and the entire staff attended an overnight conference. We had been getting along nicely, we had a friendly coworking relationship in which we would bounce ideas off each other, talk about life and go get coffee together. I had never had real coworkers before or adult friends, but it seemed normal and friendly to me and he was significantly older than I was, so I saw it as more of a mentorship than anything. At this conference, after everyone had been drinking, he came knocking on my door and confessed that he had romantic feelings for me, which I told him were inappropriate and which I did not share. He then leaned in to kiss me and I ran back into the hotel room and locked the door. I told HR and they said that they had received reports like that before. They moved my desk away from his.
Unwanted advance by someone I know #2: I had a really fun group of coworkers and one night we were out dancing and I had on a pencil skirt that went just past my knees. At some point, while Latin dancing with my male coworker, most likely bachata, I felt his hand slip under my skirt between my legs and pull it up so that he could press his body closer to mine while we were dancing. I was taken back and became Raggedy Ann waltzing around with a four-year-old with seemingly no free will or thought for the rest of the song in his grip and then excused myself. The next day I messaged him and explained how pissed I was and how I could ruin him for it. He was so embarrassed. Should I have told my principal? Should I have gone to the union or to DOE HR? It would likely be a whole investigation for something I felt like I could deal with myself by explaining how if he ever tried that again, I would castrate him.
Unwanted advance by someone I know #3: A colleague. This man was not a co-worker but was and actually is known in the community where I worked for helping urban youth and, more specifically, males, become more capable of expressing themselves instead of turning to crime; Ironic, I know. It was this man's birthday and we were out celebrating at the bar for happy hour. We had been talking about different ways of engaging young black males and he opened up to me about his own angsty youth. I then went to talk to some other friends for a time before he called me back over. He turned to a friend (who is actually MY friend, too), and said, "yo, watch this!" he put his arm around my shoulders like we were posing for a picture and he reached down and squeezed my breast. I pulled away and pushed him. I shouted as I do, and our mutual male friend was in complete disbelief saying, "yo man, that's not cool". Again, this man was very intoxicated but someone I knew and someone who was known to have had a good impact on troubled youth. I should have called the cops, right? Given a report? Ruined his career? Taken a male figure away from males in need of role models? After all, role models are only those that do no wrong, right? I messaged him the next day, he had no recollection of it. I told him the same thing I had told my coworker with the addition that he was married and that I could tell his wife that he was a pervert.
Now, let's bring it back, because that's where this whole reporting thing comes in for me and why I believe there is such a disparity between 0 male hands going up and every female hand going up. I think way more men have been called out in ways similar to that which I have presented above, but because they weren't accused in a legal way, they don't believe they fit the statement because the statement is such a seemingly final judgment, like, "you ARE a sexual predator and a bad man, goodbye!" As I said, there are experiences I've relayed above with people I'm still friends with and trust with a number of things. Will I go dancing with the one ex-coworker again, nope. Would I ever be caught alone with the youth community leader-- not even in an elevator (true awkward story). But, do I think they are bad people? No, I do not, because I don't believe in things being so black and white. I believe that everyone has the capacity to do bad things and, thank the Lord, the great majority of the time, do a pretty good job of NOT doing those bad, horrible, criminal things at all. I believe in change and growth and learning (I guess I couldn't be a teacher if I didn't?). I think what everyone needs to do a better job with is reflecting on those moments, owning up to them and not allowing our impulses to get the best of us a second time. All that Kavanaugh stuff, I get the whole Ford perspective on why she didn't come forward sooner, clearly. But if Kavanaugh was really a good judge, he would have been able to reflect on that time, who he was then, even if he doesn't remember it happening, and own up to the possibility that he was a different person but has grown since then, at least to a point to be worthy of nomination. Maybe then it wouldn't feel like such a slap in the face.
Also, in the vein of self-reflection, I will be forthright with saying I myself am guilty of the ass grab, but only with friends whom will attest to it being a consensual act of love. But also, just because my friends slap my ass or rather we slap each other's asses, doesn't give OTHERS the right to. It's an understanding and a privilege you don't just get because you think you deserve it or because you like the way it looks.
-------
Addendum: This episode of Radiolab is so timely and really helps to shed some light on the anatomy of NO in sexual situations when a woman says no but men hear or feel it as something other than a solid, final NO. CLICK HERE if you have a bit of time to listen.
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